Somber birthday to me

I spoke to my father for what is probably the last time this evening as he goes into hospice care with ALS and colon cancer. He is losing blood and can’t sleep which is awful because he hasn’t been able to eat for nearly a month and has been subsisting on juice and sugar. My heart is heavy. He is not gone yet but he’s said good bye.

this blog entry is me not giving up

There were two deaths in my mom’s side of the family recently, one was my cousin Lhordgen who was my age and the other was my auntie Connie who was 85.

I’ve been wanting to start selling my jewelry too but the research I’ve done is saying etsy is not good for artists. Hmm. I might have to get a lightbox tent or something to take some nicer photographs of my jewelry for marketing.

This past Wednesday was a milestone for me. It marked the first time I got paid to take photos. I really love working with Lamar and TruComposure, they are a great band and I recommend checking them out, they have music on their website.

it’s 2020

attempt #2 to write a blog entry today. attempt #1 was unable to publish for unknown reasons.

had a great new year’s party with Crystal and Joann despite some awful champagne. missed the ball drop due to the cable not working initially after i had to reconnect it because we’d hooked up a raspberry pi to watch movies before midnight. we watched part of Ad Astra but the file was corrupt. Then we watched A Scanner Darkly and Six-String Samurai. I spent way too much time smoking Nat Sherman MCD’s under the stars but fortunately it was well spent mostly recalling tales with Crystal. I connected a little bit with Joann too. All in all I had a great time.

planning to go to Prescott next week with Crystal, I really want to see Josh’s new game store, meet up with Chris and see my old city.

Past, present, and future are One. I pray this is a good year for me.

me again.

typing words into a screen. this time it’s a raspberry pi 4 desktop kit and it’s really cute, i’ve gotta admit. there’s no case on the board, but i’ll get one on tuesday. it’s kinda cool having this teeny circuitboard with wires haphazardly jutting out of it sitting on my desk.

in other news, i’ve written some poetry. i’m ambivalent about sharing it with the internet yet though. nerves. oh well.

maybe I don’t

haven’t been writing for a few reasons but one of them is that I don’t trust everyone like I used to. I think that’s a good thing, but my blog suffers because of it.
but I’m here, and I just celebrated some birthdays with friends and family in my life and I’ve been mostly happy, with only a little bit anxious and worried. going to be visiting my father again (i know i did not blog my recent visit, i haven’t had my normal blogging set up hooked up but i have a new set up now) really happy that i’m going back for Christmas.

but I’ll be honest, I miss staying up late and playing video games. I’m not calling myself a geeky gamer girl anymore though.

is this still Gravity?

I wonder, and maybe am I still Alice and is this still Dreamland because the Cheshire Cat said to me sometimes the little things give us the positive reinforcement for ourselves and it’s not always vain to be happy or harsh with one’s self.

after wondering, I realize it is not only a remnant of Alice in Dreamland (Gravity), it is Gravity in its present form, and I am reminded of the mantra, Past, Present, and Future are One.

Day by day, I learn

It troubles me how low my sensitivity IQ is sometimes and since I can’t go back and fix my slip-ups I have no choice but to learn and try to be genuine everywhere else proceeding and not be ignorant of those situations in the future. And maybe I don’t have to try so hard to be perfect either. Relax, self.

And while you’re at it, meditate more. Not just pray, really meditate, without thoughts. Those guided meditations are helpful.

it finally happened

I finally saw Tool play live and it was everything I hoped it would be for the seats that I managed to get. The light and film effects of the whole show was mesmerizing to say the least but I got some video on my instagram (@exangel) from the final song of the night, Stinkfist. I was seated next to Mark closest the stage on the left, an electrician who was on vacation from the family and livin it up, and Crystal, on my right. My mother next to Crystal on her right. After the concert was over my mom said the drummer was incredible 😀 It was because after an intermission Danny played Chocolate Chip Trip. I think that was the most memorable part of the night for me although I was stoked they played Intolerance as well. I was so dazzled by everything going on on stage and occasionally distracted by dodging Mark’s erratic dancing. What a great memory. File it away and back it up.

my oh my it’s been some time since we’ve traveled through time

lies. we’re always travelling through time. but this time we’ll be travelling to Phoenix and this time “we” is me, Crystal, and my mom. We’re going to see Tool on the 23rd.

I’m supposed to be in bed right now but I drank caffeine today, and I feel like I need to take inventory and that’s a hell of a thing to do. I had a long talk with my dad yesterday and he stressed the importance of being my own doctor. I joined LifeExtension and got on their mailing list.