Gravity

haven’t been writing for a few reasons but one of them is that I don’t trust everyone like I used to. I think that’s a good thing, but my blog suffers because of it.
but I’m here, and I just celebrated some birthdays with friends and family in my life and I’ve been mostly happy, with only a little bit anxious and worried. going to be visiting my father again (i know i did not blog my recent visit, i haven’t had my normal blogging set up hooked up but i have a new set up now) really happy that i’m going back for Christmas.

but I’ll be honest, I miss staying up late and playing video games. I’m not calling myself a geeky gamer girl anymore though.

I wonder, and maybe am I still Alice and is this still Dreamland because the Cheshire Cat said to me sometimes the little things give us the positive reinforcement for ourselves and it’s not always vain to be happy or harsh with one’s self.

after wondering, I realize it is not only a remnant of Alice in Dreamland (Gravity), it is Gravity in its present form, and I am reminded of the mantra, Past, Present, and Future are One.

It troubles me how low my sensitivity IQ is sometimes and since I can’t go back and fix my slip-ups I have no choice but to learn and try to be genuine everywhere else proceeding and not be ignorant of those situations in the future. And maybe I don’t have to try so hard to be perfect either. Relax, self.

And while you’re at it, meditate more. Not just pray, really meditate, without thoughts. Those guided meditations are helpful.

I finally saw Tool play live and it was everything I hoped it would be for the seats that I managed to get. The light and film effects of the whole show was mesmerizing to say the least but I got some video on my instagram (@exangel) from the final song of the night, Stinkfist. I was seated next to Mark closest the stage on the left, an electrician who was on vacation from the family and livin it up, and Crystal, on my right. My mother next to Crystal on her right. After the concert was over my mom said the drummer was incredible 😀 It was because after an intermission Danny played Chocolate Chip Trip. I think that was the most memorable part of the night for me although I was stoked they played Intolerance as well. I was so dazzled by everything going on on stage and occasionally distracted by dodging Mark’s erratic dancing. What a great memory. File it away and back it up.

lies. we’re always travelling through time. but this time we’ll be travelling to Phoenix and this time “we” is me, Crystal, and my mom. We’re going to see Tool on the 23rd.

I’m supposed to be in bed right now but I drank caffeine today, and I feel like I need to take inventory and that’s a hell of a thing to do. I had a long talk with my dad yesterday and he stressed the importance of being my own doctor. I joined LifeExtension and got on their mailing list.

got the speakers set up. they’re not mounted on the wall yet but that should be taken care of in the next week or so. 神のご加護を。I have been avidly listening to music since I got them hooked up. I put Om chanting on a little while ago though and I feel like I’m entering another plane. Better brush my teeth before I fall asleep. Tomorrow will be art and yoga. yay!

and when I write, I try not to delete things but i ultimately edit a lot, and hazardly because my backspace key takes out my buffer in chunks.

currently, i wonder about my capacity for self sabotage. it’s terrible.
i just feel horrible about what i said to Jordan and moreover what i did in that upset state.

I woke up a little earlier than usual, showered, and got a Lyft with Michael this morning to go to the studio where I participate in an art program. Spent the whole morning painting and chatting with Abelardo. I painted 2 watercolors of sakura and a fairly tasteless pattern (well, I imagine it tastes like acrylic paint) that I will treasure because it’s the first large painting I’ve tried at, and I did actually have a concept in mind when I plotted it out, it’s just that I didn’t make up my mind whether to blend or not blend the sections.

After art session was over, Abelardo walked me to the bus station where I discovered that the value on my Sun Go card had expired and missed the bus in the process of replacing it. So I walked to a Vietnamese restaurant across from the station there on 6th Street and had the best spring rolls I’ve had since my dad drove me from Colorado to Tucson in 2014. That was the most amazing sunset of my life. Thank you Google for keeping that video in your generous servers. Back to lunch, when I got up to go to the bathroom I saw someone I recognized – Son, my former boss, from a job I didn’t really have to quit but it only made sense to at the time. Looking back at this decision I think I was kind of a fool. However, in the moment, he recognized me too, he just couldn’t remember my name and I don’t blame him because I only worked for him 2 weeks. It was a good job that paid what I expected and was only for 3 hours a day. Problem was that little wage worth was getting spent at the bakery on meals every day easily and then some, sometimes, and the whole point of me getting a job was to supplement my former partner’s income at the time. Granted it wasn’t really always my decision to eat there but all in all working for Son was a good experience. Would do it again. A++ Taught me a little about what an idiot I am sometimes. It’s good to learn those lessons as permanently as possible, to avoid repeating the idiocy. Taught me to deal with people and to avoid resting bitch face.

the concert was all of the enchantment and wonder that I felt held in promise to me with flawless performances of all their greatest tracks in a generous helping from their three albums and ep, and several new tracks on a yet to be released album coming soon. the highlight of my evening was getting a halfway decent reel of Mister Impossible for my instagram feed.

then, Thursday, I made a painting of the symbol, for Om (Aum) which is pictured in my instagram feed, it is gold on a dark purple circle on a red background. I chose to give it as a gift to Bob.

Now it is just after Friday, and I am drinking kombucha and discovering that it’s too late to get a group together in World of Warcraft. Had some good conversation but gonna chill, meditate, and then sleep now so time for me to quit yappin’.

I finally got my hard copy of Fear Inoculum. I will treasure it. It is yet another amazing work of art from TOOL and Alex Grey that is worthy of reflection.

I’m still amped for the Phantogram concert tonight, I can’t wait to hear Mister Impossible live!