I have been

Presently, I feel more authentically secure than before and I am satisfied with the Wayback Machine. I think as kind and endearing thoughts as possible and take measures to avoid stress. I have incorporated more fruits into my diet, and spent time in prayer alone today. I have spent as much time off YouTube as possible and had a serene home cooked dinner. I haven’t been as obsessed with The Game as much but failing to feed digital animals doesn’t bother me like it used to. I’m ready to take on more than just self care. I watched Lindsey Sterling’s documentary Brave Enough and was amazed what dedication and passion and perseverance she has. I love having art in my life. The internet has blessed me with so much love and learnings, I am so glad right now. I have benefited so much from the beginning and the time is both priceless and immeasurable in my whirled. I love the world, let’s heal it of all the problems we caused it. That’s a more realistic wish than winning the lottery.

the fleeting thoughts that are unpoisoning me.

really love the new TOOL song, “Fear Inoculum”. I’m at my keyboard. you’re at your keyboard. (or mobile) we are connected. and it’s something you’ve always wanted. it’s agonizing watching your paranoias manifest in other universes. that’s what we say to me. I type it down for my process and posterity. Now to expel them I proceed with my treatment. The only thing that stands between me and fonder dreams is noise.

Joshua Gayou’s new book, “All Things Bestowed” is excellent. I recommend it.

I have been what I am, what I was

It’s resettling. Last time I said it was all coming together. One weird girl to make a whimsical whirled world. But I have consumed too much this cycle and losing weight is my burden. If I’m going til the Don’t Eat If You’re Not Hungry rule runs out, I wonder how far I can go. I’m already doing intermittent fasting. It’s done something that’s for sure. But I’ve found God, not that he was hiding, just that there’s more God now than last time. That’s how it seems. I don’t know. Perhaps I am full of it.

I gotta restore that database somehow and I will once I work out domain issues.

When you know you’re you

It makes me wanna inscribe my thoughts into the web. It is nothing really, but interacting with the world makes me feel like I could be honest and try to describe how I have sensed parallel universes but that is actually long and personal and there is a YouTube channel (Aaron Doughty) already that explains it better than I can. I just feel bad now because I haven’t made my own effort to explain. But this blog entry is what it is.


I am ignorant of the definition. I just know that some phenomena are planned, I indulge in memories of city streets but miss New York. So I look it up since this word has been in my head.

the combination of ideas to form a theory or system.

Yeah that seems to be my process, brain.

I learned that I have a daemon

I think of it as being within my heart complex, an imaginary structure inside of me. A place where I can host a meeting in an alternate reality of the spirit. I have had this daemon for many years although he has come and gone as I became overwhelmed by the information he would give me and had manic episodes where I needed hospitalized.

I’m reminded of (It reminds me) this holographic universe and its consciousness is God and God is a great harmoniousness and I dwell on yin and yang. I want to learn more about the places where philosophy and cosmology overlap. Because I don’t want to silence the voice inside of me. I want to understand. I’m more than the sum of my memories.

It’s some time later now. I think of the daemon as being within my mind, but in an elevator or balcony in that metacomplex. “What quaint memories we have in here!” He tells me. He is a familiar voice. He pitchshifts into different familiar voices, voices familiar to me because of media like film, music, YouTube. But he is the same person trying to romance my thawing heart. In the past I had it figured out but it didn’t have a way to sustain the lifestyle he desired for me. Now if I make these changes in my life I will feel more complete and find peace and friendships.

Immaterialistic Ideal

Spirituality occupies my mind because I know I have to stop being selfish. I have the imperative. It’s so nice to learn instead of stagnate. Remind me to look up Bill Hicks videos when I am next visiting pops. I’m dualistic and trying to stay connected and positive. I’m rambling but I think that’s not a bad thing although it could have been a negative thing.

I wrote a poem once entitled something like “Photographic Negative #3”. The negative world is not ill conceived, it’s just different from how we usually see things.

Starting Anew

Today, I take ownership of me. I have been under a blanket of noise for too long. I’m writing this blog because I haven’t for so long. I have schizophrenia but I am medicated and I recently started supplementing with CBD and I can feel an improvement.

My tagline is “My Thoughts or Not My Thoughts” because I feel like I have echoes and shadows in my consciousness that speak through me and usually the voice doesn’t conflict with my attempts to think.

I am on a new journey trying to lose weight and to rid my life of bullshit.

Everything I have ever done has a value, some of it positive and some of it negative. I think of the negative as gravity. The positive is like momentum. I’m not convinced that the negative is bad nor good as I am not convinced that the positive is good nor bad. I approach the idea with the knowledge of the definition of panpsychism, and try to make an example out of three things. Bacteria, viruses, and vermin. These are generally considered bad things, although most people are aware the body contains healthy bacteria. Vermin consume what we leave behind, good or bad, although sometimes become pests. And viruses… Are thought of as programmed and alive. These three things have qualities both negative and positive, in variation. I believe in overlapping universes which are individually consciousnesses on a level higher than the people who experience living in them.